Enough with the Newspeak
I hit the wall this week.
Not with being with my kids all the time without any real breaks, or any clear sense of how long this will go on. Not from feeling like simply picking up bread and milk at the grocery store is a scene from a dystopian novel. Not even from the sheer repetitive, lonely, endless sense of isolation.
No.
I simply flipped in my brain where I can no longer stomach the Newspeak.
Allow me to explain a bit of background first:
I am someone who suffers from depression. My symptoms flare up painfully in the winter, when the poor weather tends to hole me up in my home for days and weeks on end. I have always said, and I continue to maintain, that my own house is a trigger for me. This is despite the fact that I am actually a homebody and an introvert. In general, I thrive on a lot of routine that surrounds my home life, but when the need to go out and do something hits, it becomes crucial to my mental health.
Let me reiterate -- when the need to go out and do something hits, it becomes crucial to my mental health.
So as you most rightly imagine, being placed under forced isolation for several months has not been pretty for me. I don't mean in the "oh, piffle, my sourdough starter is no longer bubbling!" way of unpretty. I mean, curled up in a ball, sobbing in my bed, or staring obsessively at my phone to numb the pain and loneliness.
Certainly not every day, and obviously not every moment. But more than once, while managing the care of five young children who depend on me to be stable and well.
This is while our income has not been affected as of yet; I am in a stable, partnered relationship (ie marriage); I have access to food and laundry detergent and toilet paper and a roof over my head; I am able to take an anti-depressant for which I even receive coverage; we have reliable internet for my children to do their online learning and even Disney+ when we're bored. We have relatives with whom we can FaceTime and kind friends and neighbours checking in on us. Lastly, we are all healthy, safe and at quite a low-risk of being infected because our rural community remains protected at this time and we are fortunate that our employment doesn't take us out into the world.
In short, I recognize the enormity of my privilege.
Nonetheless, I am still struggling with this forced isolation tremendously. And as I lay awake at night in anxiety, I think about so many people with similar brain chemistry to mine, but who's lives are not nearly so easy or manageable at this time. For the many who being under quarantine is actually unstable and unsafe. I can't shake the feeling of dread and fear for these people and knowing that realistically, we are all one crisis away from being in a similar boat of suffering.
Which brings me to Newspeak.
I can no longer tolerate the perpetual speeches and slogans we are being served up:
"Stay home, stay safe."
"We're in this together."
How increasingly hollow and meaningless those expressions sound.
For the women and children who are under forced isolation with abusers (and there are, tragically, many of them), how flippant and downright triggering it must sound for those of us in our naive, privileged situations to talk about staying home as a "safe" place.
For those of who's livelihoods have been destroyed by the months of businesses and services being shuttered, chanting, "we're in this together" is remarkably tone deaf.
For those of us who suffer from mental illness, or who live with someone who does, being castigated that "while our grandparents we conscripted into war, we're only being asked to stay on our couches" comes off as cruel. In my case, as I said, I am very much a homebody, but the few outings and excursions I partake in are vital for my overall well-being. And I'm not out marching for my right to get my roots dyed. I simply long to be with my church community, to take my young children to playgroup, and to enjoy a cup of tea with a friend. Pretty much three outings a week.
Now of course I don't want people to get sick from anything, let alone a very dangerous virus. Nor do I claim to know enough about statistics, virology or any kind of science to make predictions or suggestions to policy. Most likely, from a disease-containment perspective, the current modus operandi is vital. I'm not wholly convinced, though, that the overall death count will be lower in the end.
Regardless, though, these vapid slogans, some of which I have been prone to uttering in the past few months, need to be abandoned. They sound increasingly insensitive to those in desperate circumstances. They have even become a rallying cry to shame those who have become to question the wisdom of them, or against those who make a measured, intelligent choice to enjoy fresh air.
You don't believe me yet? Watch this short video put out by the BBC.
Or, most poignantly to me, when a mother takes a walk with her baby in a stroller -- a walk she says helps manage her generalized anxiety disorder -- and is fined.
All the while, we chant "we're in this together."
Enough, I say.
Not with being with my kids all the time without any real breaks, or any clear sense of how long this will go on. Not from feeling like simply picking up bread and milk at the grocery store is a scene from a dystopian novel. Not even from the sheer repetitive, lonely, endless sense of isolation.
No.
I simply flipped in my brain where I can no longer stomach the Newspeak.
Allow me to explain a bit of background first:
I am someone who suffers from depression. My symptoms flare up painfully in the winter, when the poor weather tends to hole me up in my home for days and weeks on end. I have always said, and I continue to maintain, that my own house is a trigger for me. This is despite the fact that I am actually a homebody and an introvert. In general, I thrive on a lot of routine that surrounds my home life, but when the need to go out and do something hits, it becomes crucial to my mental health.
Let me reiterate -- when the need to go out and do something hits, it becomes crucial to my mental health.
So as you most rightly imagine, being placed under forced isolation for several months has not been pretty for me. I don't mean in the "oh, piffle, my sourdough starter is no longer bubbling!" way of unpretty. I mean, curled up in a ball, sobbing in my bed, or staring obsessively at my phone to numb the pain and loneliness.
Certainly not every day, and obviously not every moment. But more than once, while managing the care of five young children who depend on me to be stable and well.
This is while our income has not been affected as of yet; I am in a stable, partnered relationship (ie marriage); I have access to food and laundry detergent and toilet paper and a roof over my head; I am able to take an anti-depressant for which I even receive coverage; we have reliable internet for my children to do their online learning and even Disney+ when we're bored. We have relatives with whom we can FaceTime and kind friends and neighbours checking in on us. Lastly, we are all healthy, safe and at quite a low-risk of being infected because our rural community remains protected at this time and we are fortunate that our employment doesn't take us out into the world.
In short, I recognize the enormity of my privilege.
Nonetheless, I am still struggling with this forced isolation tremendously. And as I lay awake at night in anxiety, I think about so many people with similar brain chemistry to mine, but who's lives are not nearly so easy or manageable at this time. For the many who being under quarantine is actually unstable and unsafe. I can't shake the feeling of dread and fear for these people and knowing that realistically, we are all one crisis away from being in a similar boat of suffering.
Which brings me to Newspeak.
I can no longer tolerate the perpetual speeches and slogans we are being served up:
"Stay home, stay safe."
"We're in this together."
How increasingly hollow and meaningless those expressions sound.
For the women and children who are under forced isolation with abusers (and there are, tragically, many of them), how flippant and downright triggering it must sound for those of us in our naive, privileged situations to talk about staying home as a "safe" place.
For those of who's livelihoods have been destroyed by the months of businesses and services being shuttered, chanting, "we're in this together" is remarkably tone deaf.
For those of us who suffer from mental illness, or who live with someone who does, being castigated that "while our grandparents we conscripted into war, we're only being asked to stay on our couches" comes off as cruel. In my case, as I said, I am very much a homebody, but the few outings and excursions I partake in are vital for my overall well-being. And I'm not out marching for my right to get my roots dyed. I simply long to be with my church community, to take my young children to playgroup, and to enjoy a cup of tea with a friend. Pretty much three outings a week.
Now of course I don't want people to get sick from anything, let alone a very dangerous virus. Nor do I claim to know enough about statistics, virology or any kind of science to make predictions or suggestions to policy. Most likely, from a disease-containment perspective, the current modus operandi is vital. I'm not wholly convinced, though, that the overall death count will be lower in the end.
Regardless, though, these vapid slogans, some of which I have been prone to uttering in the past few months, need to be abandoned. They sound increasingly insensitive to those in desperate circumstances. They have even become a rallying cry to shame those who have become to question the wisdom of them, or against those who make a measured, intelligent choice to enjoy fresh air.
You don't believe me yet? Watch this short video put out by the BBC.
What are we being reduced to as a society when we have drones filming people walking their dogs and then releasing the footage to illustrate a point with their apparent 'malfeasance.' Or when we encourage neighbours to snitch on each other (and it being met with staggering success).Despite posts yesterday highlighting issues of people still visiting the #PeakDistrict despite government guidance, the message is still not getting through. @DerPolDroneUnit have been out at beauty spots across the county, and this footage was captured at #CurbarEdge last night. pic.twitter.com/soxWvMl0ls— Derbyshire Police (@DerbysPolice) March 26, 2020
Or, most poignantly to me, when a mother takes a walk with her baby in a stroller -- a walk she says helps manage her generalized anxiety disorder -- and is fined.
All the while, we chant "we're in this together."
Enough, I say.
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