On maternal body shaming

At 13 or 14 weeks pregnant, I was out grocery shopping with my three born children when a woman stopped me to comment on my kids. She had nice things to say, to be sure, but the tenor of the conversation changed drastically when Isaiah blurted out excitedly "and guess what?! Mommy has a new baby in her tummy!"

Immediately her face withered into an expression of disgust. "You're not having another one, are you?"

I tried my best to be kind in the face of her inappropriate comment. After all, I was (am!) excited to be having another child. Plus, my kids were right there listening.

"Yes we are, actually!" All smiles and warmth from me.

"How far along are you?" she asked. When I told her, she said "you're not even in your second trimester and you're already showing?! What's the matter with you?!"

At this point, I was so hurt, so ashamed that I had to fight back tears. I slowly responded "Well, that's one way to speak to another person, but I'm not sure it's especially nice." I don't think she really understood that I was upset because she continued to make comments about my size and ask if I was having twins. So I made an excuse to walk away and took my brood of kids.

{I'd like to point out that both of my boys commented on her behaviour. They noticed she hadn't been kind to me, either.}

She hasn't been the only person to speak to me like this. At 36 weeks pregnant, I have lost count of the number of people who comment on my size. Rarely has anyone been as rude as the woman I mentioned, but these comments do continue to sting. Saying I look "huge", asking incredulously whether or not I'm having twins, or otherwise being so shocked that I'm not already 40 weeks along given my size -- all of these make me feel uncomfortable at best, but almost as often, sad, hurt and excessively on display.

It got me thinking, what about being pregnant makes it acceptable to comment on a woman's body? I assume the best in the people who have regularly made me feel ashamed of my size; it's not their intention, they're just trying to make conversation, they don't realize how these comments will sound to me.

Yet I can't help but think we have an unfortunate societal problem on our hands when complete strangers can comment on a woman's body size and shape at all. Pregnancy shouldn't be an exception. It's as though women are so regularly objectified that reducing them to an idealized fundal height instead of specific waist size is no different.

Meanwhile, how are we are expected to raise a future generation that honours and respects women when someone who is sacrificing her physical energy, her time, and quite possibly some of her sanity, to bring new life into the world, is belittled, mocked and made to feel insecure about her body? How will my daughter view her own body if strangers deride that of her mother's? How will my sons learn to show respect and chivalry to women if having their mother reduced to tears by another person's unkindness is a regular occurrence?

That doesn't mean strangers can't speak to a pregnant woman about her pregnancy. I'd just argue that the metric we should use to determine whether the comment is fair game or not is "how closely does this comment relate to her body or her sexual life?"

Thus, "do you know if it's a boy or a girl?" is fine. But "was this one planned?" is not; it alludes to closely to the conception of the child; that's none of anyone else's business. "When are due?" is acceptable but then saying "oh I thought you were much further along than that!" isn't. It's referencing her size, her body.

Make small talk with a pregnant woman. But do so knowing her heart is very raw. She deserves as much privacy and respect about her size, her weight as anyone else.

Consider tattooing the following on your hand for reference: If haven't anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.