Long overdue thoughts

Every year, as Lent approaches, I find myself dreaming of all sorts of interesting penances or disciplines I'll take on.
This year, I think,
I will de-clutter the entire house!
I will get up at 5am and pray and exercise!
I will abstain from meat, dairy, nightshades, sugar, caffeine and vegetables with the letter 'o' in them!
And then see how holy I will become!

(Can't you almost hear my immense ego cackle?)

And every year, somehow, God reminds me how petty these plans of mine are, and how very much more He wants to me focus on one thing -- drawing closer to Him.

All my Lent-plans are always about me -- who I want to be, what I want to push myself into doing or being.

I was so touched by this post:

What if, this Lent, instead of swearing ourselves off all food or motorized vehicular transportation, what if we challenged ourselves to do one thing – one teeny, tiny, small thing solely for the love of God or our neighbour.  And what if we didn’t just do that one thing, but what if we decided to do it with all the concentration and intentionality that we could afford. 

So I'm working at just being as gentle and 'present' as I can with my children. 

Perhaps that sounds rather vague and abstract, but I have taken to doing a daily Examination of Conscience, and then writing down any specific instances I was angry or impatient with them to later bring to Confession.

Do you know what level of accountability this creates, to have to write out one's sins every day?

And lest I sound like a complete drag, it doesn't make me feel sad or overwhelmed, but rather refreshed to just do better the next day. (Plus I love burning the list after Confession.)

So "glamorous" Lent it is not, but since when was "glamour" an expected aspect in the life of a stay-at-home mom?

***

These two have a really remarkable relationship. Noah has said before "I think Anna likes me best" and sometimes, I declare, he's right. No one makes her laugh or smile as much as he does.

He is also turning the corner from four to five in less than a month. I want to say "I can hardly believe it!" but I do. He seems very grown up now; he's doing simple things like zipping up his own coat by himself, and (bliss!) offering to do up Isaiah's too, to asking more reflective questions in our conversations, giving amazingly detailed summaries of the novels we're reading, to acting so grown-up with his backpack on, marching off to his children's choir practice.

Oh those tiny little feet melt me every time! 

Clearly, Isaiah is a fan, too.

Dear little Isaiah is just such a sweet soul. Today I gave the boys some cashews and a glass of milk to tide them over until dinner, and Noah quickly gobbled his up and asked for more. I told him dinner was coming soon so he would have to wait, and before he could even complain, Isaiah offered the rest of his to his brother.

Unprompted. 

Such a generous little person.

He is also such a keen child! I love taking him to the weekly playgroup for young children we have here. Without fail, he is always the one to call out song suggestions and then bust out his awesome moves dancing during circle time.

Anna will be five months old next week and is now sleeping in a crib, in her own room. I absolutely adore co-sleeping, and we have been going strong for months now, but every time she stirs, I wake up completely and because my sleep is being interrupted about 10 times at night (I am not exaggerating) I feel bleary-eyed come morning.

So we knew something had to change.

We have made this transition effortless, in that she still nurses to sleep and I just gently place her in her crib. When she inevitably wakes at night, it is a cherished experience to nurse her back to sleep.

Just me and her in the quiet hours of the middle of the night, enjoying the moonlight in her tiny bedroom. It feels like my own personal poustinia.

I just love this little child so much. I constantly feel like I am on the go, that I must get to the next pressing thin on my to-do list, and yet everything about her sweet, gentle nature reminds me to just stop for a minute.

Watching her grab a hold of her toes, and just squeal with delight at being alive -- nothing can be better.

***

Amidst Lent in our home, we always welcome an occasion to break out into feasting mode. Enter St. Patrick's Day.

My green St. Patrick's Day outfit and sheepish "I hate taking selfies" expression

We had Guinness and brownies with our plain-Jane cottage pie.

Also, that day I took the kids to a Children's Holy Hour at the convent down the road from us -- yes, really I live on the same street as some nuns (and a professional balloon animal artist).

(In case you were wondering, this was Noah's idea. I guessed, correctly, how it would go, but I decided to humour him at least once.)

It was an amusing occasion, to say the least. The only other families in attendance had perfectly silent, perfectly still children, including those with children younger than our boys. We were all crammed into a room smaller than my kitchen and there were 19 kids there in total.

Dear Isaiah walked back and forth around the room, despite me quietly reprimanding him, and declared "I not like being quiet! I not want to pray now!"

So I brought him back outside and let Noah, who dearly wanted to stay, hang out by himself and the other kids.

It's wonderful how having actual kids just zaps your pious notions about what having theoretical kids will be like.

***

We also did up the St. Joseph's Day altar to celebrate one of our favourites. I didn't make fava beans this year, despite it being traditional, because, who like fava beans?! (We did, however, have green beans. Much better.)

And of course, the requisite cream puffs.

(In all honesty, it was a hard day. I had had very little sleep the night before, I was missing my parents keenly that day, and the house looked like a bomb went off in it. But at 4:30 I put on some chipper music, swallowed my self-pity and invited the boys to help me set the table in the "fancy" way. Suddenly the whole mood of the house changed, for the better.)

Also, after being inspired by the sight of my St. Joseph's altar, Noah created his own. He couldn't find a holy card for St. Joseph, so he drew one, and a picture of a lily, and set them up with a Rosary, the Bible and our jar of beans.

(Each time they make a small sacrifice during Lent, they place a bean in the jar. On Easter Sunday the beans will 'become' M&M peanuts.)


And... homeschooling continues.

Do you want to know my current secret?
I've hired two sibling, the oldest children of a friend of mine, to come over after school at least once a fortnight to watch the kids while I fold laundry and scrub the bathtub -- you know, tasks that I neglect with shameful regularity.

My neurotic side feels 'ashamed' of this, like it's a luxury, my prideful side feels like I should be able to make do without it, and the reality is...

it makes each day more livable. That, in and of itself, should alleviate my guilt!

Especially since Patrick is working such insanely long days, having someone occupy them a bit in the day is such a gift to me. And... my children LOVE it! The babysitters are doing things like taking them out to make snowmen and playing board games with them... things I never seem to do.

It's a full but blessed life these days.