Grace

As I look back on each on my children's lives as babies, I am amazed at how each of their names suit them so well. Their names remind me not only of who they were, but how our relationship was.

Noah's name means "peace" or "rest." That suits him so well, my dear little old soul. While he's definitely a typical little boy, with a keen imagination and a desire to play and run with his friends, he's so much of a retiring person as well, content to cosy up with his book du jour and some herbal tea.

He is a restful child.

Likewise, his name is a reminder of what he gave to me as a baby, what I most dearly needed. My life felt quite upturned by having a child. I truly felt like I had undergone an ontological change by becoming a mother, and it was rather painful at times. Yet his peaceful nature called out to me, "just rest, Mommy. Be."

Given how hard I found having one child was, I was rather frightened to have another one. The Holy Spirit kicked in and gave me the courage, though, and we were blessed with Isaiah.

He was my baby of hope. 

His name means "God is salvation," the most powerful statement of hope there is. And how true it was of him. His sweet, happy temperament gave me much hope for the future of our family. It was no coincidence that this was the word we drew for him at Epiphany when he was still in utero. That was the gift he offered us with every sweet smile -- hope.

And then there is Anna. 

I really did believe we were having a boy up until the moment she was born and cried out "Ohmygod I think it's a girl!" (an amusingly noncommittal statement given that from my vantage point I could clearly tell she was a girl. Yet I just couldn't believe it!). The name I had in mind for her before I knew she was a girl was Caleb. I had already seen the connection between the boys' names and how our relationship played out in their first year of life, so I was determined to embrace my mothering fully. "Caleb", you see, means "whole-hearted." 

Besides the fact that she is indeed a girl so the name Caleb wouldn't have worked, my reason for choosing the name was so flawed. It was as though I was convinced after having two children, my third would be a breeze; I had become some sort of baby-expert or something. The reality is, I am still very much growing in my ability to look after a baby. No matter how 'whole-heartedly' I embrace this vocation, I will still fall very, very short.

The day the boys came to meet their sister, a wonderfully exciting moment to be sure, Patrick ran out to pick up some sandwiches from Subway as a celebratory meal for us. We decided we would all have a picnic on the floor while I sat in bed and relaxed. The kids were giddy and noisy and nearly bouncing off the walls so I was trying to quiet them for a moment when I called out, "Children! Let's say grace!"

And then... the lightbulb clicked on for me. Grace! That's it! 

Our baby was our child of grace. 

She really does add so much grace to our family by the light that she is. She is so sweet and even-tempered. She brings out a special warmth and tenderness in her brothers, and a beautiful affection from Patrick as our little girl. Everything about her already sings 'grace.'

And as for me? And us? My ability to love her and raise her well has nothing to do with how fully, 'whole-heartedly' I embrace mothering at all. It's all about grace. For all the times I cried to myself "I'm having such a hard time with one! How will I ever have more than one child?" I wish I could go back in time and say, "You don't have to do it at all! God will shape you into the mother you need to be, bit by bit. He doesn't call the qualified, but qualifies the called."

That is, by definition, 'grace.'

"Anna."