Marriage matters, and so do our children

Recently I wrote about my thoughts on strengthening one's marriage. I feel like I want to backpedal a little and explain myself:

There is a phenomenon that I've witnessed where some married couples treat their children like second-class citizens in their home. Saying things like "well our marriage is the sacrament," they justify placing their children down on the totem-pole of priorities in various ways, adopting strange parenting practices but with a weird theological gusto behind them because they want to just adore one another.

That's wrong. So, so, wrong.

First of all, sure the marriage is the sacrament, but the children are the fruit of that. Do you think anyone ever said to Our Lady "well Christ is just the fruit of your womb?" He made her who she is, the Mother of God!

Likewise, we plant a pear tree to get pears. It's great that the tree itself is pretty, gives off shade and overall comfort, but pear trees are for pears.

(This analogy limps, of course. One doesn't marry someone for the simple fact of having children. You love that person apart from and prior to their capacity of having children with you. But I think you get my drift -- children are the blessing that comes from the love of spouses.)

So when I talk about the importance of keeping one's marriage strong, I think it is as much for the benefit of the children themselves as well as the couple. A strong, stable marriage is the safeguard against countless sociological ills; it is the backdrop to a happy childhood.

(Mind you, I certainly don't spend time with Patrick solely for the benefit of our boys -- I actually love him for all of who he is, not simply as my Co-Producer of Little Humans.)

When we love each other more deeply, more constantly, more romantically, more forgiving-ly, a peace comes over our home and rests on our children in an almost tangible way. They get that much more excited to have Daddy finish his workday because they can tell how happy Mommy is to have him home. They play more kindly with one another. They speak more gratefully to me about my cooking and for other small daily things like making their beds.

I see them being at peace, and I feel that peace in my heart, too.

I distinctly remember how secure I felt by own parents' love as a child. I was blessed to be raised by two people who love each other very deeply and sacrificially and in so many ways are a real witness [An atheist once declared to me "monogamy is a form of oppression"! Yet he later said of my parents "they are my favourite married couple. It is so clear they love each other so much, and they don't take themselves too seriously." Perhaps modeling a life that isn't so 'oppressive' after all.]

I would occasionally turn up my nose in faux-disdain when I saw my parents kissing or being affectionate, but deep down and from a very young age, I was so reassured to know how much they loved each other.

So I don't know if I made it clear, but I wanted to point out, Patrick and I both suffer/delight in a serious case of baby-worship. Our children, particularly when they were infants, become our all-consuming loves. If we don't make a point to notice each other, all we will do is focus our energy on them. Certainly babies are adorable, and so should be given a great deal of attention (not just because they are cute but because they are exceptionally high-needs so they necessitate this). But now that both of our babies aren't babies anymore (weep!), I notice how much more time Patrick and I are able to spend enjoying each other's company. I am liking this season, and I see what graces paying a little more attention to each other gives to the boys. I hope and pray if and when we are blessed with another baby, we keep this in mind and try to focus a little more on our marriage even amidst baby-worshipping.


(Last minute edit: I wrote this post last night so imagine my surprise when I checked my favourite blogs today and saw the indomitable Leila Lawler posted yet another gem. This time she writes on how marriage will end abortion. It is truly moving. So to add to my thoughts, not only are you transmitting something sacred and saving to your own children, but to society, through your marriage. Amen.)