A few thoughts on marriage from a newbie

I came across this blog somehow, I don't remember how, and I really enjoy looking at it from time to time because the mother is simply chronically how her children grow and the sweet things they say.

{Sure, I could get caught up on how they have a zillion kids so close together, she and her husband do P90X , have a beautiful home in Lincoln, Nebraska (be still, my Traddie heart!), homeschool said zillion kids, and she manages to look so... stunning... and think "harumph" out of envy, but I don't. I just really like her and think I would like to have tea with her.

Please tell me that's your standard about what stranger's blogs you read?}

Anyway, preamble aside, I wanted to share you the wisdom of this particular post. All of it is very beautiful and moving, but this comment leaped out at me:

I wish I had known that the problems in raising children are the devil’s most powerful attacks on a marriage. The devil is after the marriage NOT the child. If he can destroy the marriage, he has captured the whole family in one swoop.

I thought this was an especially insightful comment. There are lots of things that we as parents try to do to protect our children -- we guard what media they view, what friends they make, what they eat and how late they stay up at night. It's our God-given duty. We know we need to protect their growing bodies and nurture their souls. But how often do we think that pouring our efforts into our marriages will protect and strengthen our families?

I honestly always thought that 'protecting' your marriage meant going out, alone, and not talking about the kids. Maybe that's what some marriages need, perhaps all of them need this sometime (although really, it's almost impossible to avoid talking about the kids, at least for us). But lately, since a date is not possible with thesis proposals and term papers galore all around, I've been reflecting on how I can nurture our marriage, when our time together is increasingly limited

I can make a point to honour my husband and the hard work he does.

To do this, I simply ask him at the table how his day was, and really listen to his response. It involves occasionally reminding our chatterbox boys to quiet down and listen to Daddy, and it also involves the maturity to hold my own list of grievances about my day. A conversation with one you love isn't simply waiting until you get a second to say your piece -- it's primarily listening and respecting what they are saying.

I can make a point to be presentable.

I generally dress up, even for days I am 'just at home'. If I wear yoga pants all day, I feel a bit crummy and don't take what I'm doing seriously enough. (Funnily enough, the few times when I didn't dress up nicely for the day were the times the UPS man came by, and I had the frazzled disheveled mom look. Oy.) No, I'm not talking about a full face of makeup and curled hair... not only do I have zero skills in that area, Patrick thinks those things are quite overrated. But I put on nice clothes and feel a bit more like I like my life, which makes me a happier person and therefore a more pleasant spouse. Also, I got a tip from Hallie Lord of Moxiewife.com who said she always slips on heels right before her husband gets home. As silly as it sounds. I started doing that, and even if other things are getting chaotic at the end-of-the-day scramble, a pair of heels makes me feel just that much prettier and excited to see him.

I can respect his need for downtime

Oh, this is a hard one for me. I look forward to the quiet we can enjoy together all day, and when I see that Patrick has a free moment and wants to read a novel, I get so obnoxiously pouty. I have to swallow my pride, and remind myself that every day during the kids' quiet time, I have the leisure to read, pray or nap as I choose. He does not. He deserves some time to be away from the noise of life, even, gulp, if that noise is me.

I can keep things running smoothly(ish)

 and not expect him to do his own full-time job as well as mine.

Oh me oh my, the unrealistic expectations I have placed on him during our five years of marriage! I basically expected him to do the things that 'normal' wives do by themselves, on top of his own work. Certainly in various seasons of life, he should, must, pitch in to a greater degree (when we have a newborn, when I am vomiting all day with pregnancy), but I am, for the time being, an 'easy' season. It's simply not fair to expect Patrick to do his full-time job, his studies, and everything else home-oriented, too. It's a sacrifice on my part to have to discipline myself and say "No, your mother is not going to rescue you. Just tidy up!" but it makes me see how childish I am that I need these little pep talks to do it.

I know when I am over-worked, a bed made with fresh clean sheets makes me feel like a million bucks. Why not show my husband that same love by doing this for him?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

For such a long time, I thought a Good Wife got up very early, prayed her heart out, exercised like a champ, put on gorgeous clothes, whereupon her sunny brood of children would arise, and she would make them a scrumptious nourishing breakfast and then begin a wonderful day where they would do crafts, play and read books together, spend at least 3 hours outdoors daily, and greet Daddy when he came home with a spotless home, a delicious three-course meal, and well-behaved obedient children. Of course this Good Wife never has 'a headache', loyally leads the Bible study and Catechism classes in her parish, AND always has a perfect handmade thank you card for every kind gesture offered to her, real or imagined.

The longer I have been married, the more I think the Good Wife may be a combination of some of these things, but most of all is balanced. She doesn't bite off more than she chew, she accepts that life and parenting and marriage present to her a variety of seasons that require her to say 'no', she doesn't take herself too seriously so when she doesn't meet her expectations of herself, she isn't shattered, she makes time for herself (and values doing meaningful things in her free time, not just staring at various screens), and keeps as cheerful a disposition as possible.

Balance.

I am striving for this on a daily basis, and so it means juggling my priorities, deciding some days to make certain things slide. I think it's helping me be better at this whole marriage thing, and happier as I go about it.