Letting kids be kids?
I want to thank you all for your helpful comments about dealing with fussy kids at Mass. If anything, it's just nice to know other parents are going through this (because in our tiny rural parish, we are literally the ONLY family with young children, or child. Not a kid under 12 to be seen anywhere. Sigh.)
The reason I posted that last entry wasn't so much to rant about Noah's 'bad behavior.' He is a boy, a very little boy, and it was obvious, as I hoped I conveyed, that he was having a hard time sitting still or just generally being himself because he was dreadfully exhausted. As soon as Patrick brought him home, he crashed. I think my little guy ought to be credited with the fact that he was simply having a hard day.
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I reached out to all of you in part because I was so discouraged by a comment I found on a Catholic forum when Patrick and I were looking up advice on how to deal with this sort of situation. One woman was innocently writing in for help -- she had a two year old and a newborn, and her husband was off on a post with the army meaning he was not able to attend Mass with her and the children -- and was given what I thought to be a terribly unhelpful answer.
In effect, another mother said, "Children should be trained to be quiet at Mass. I have seven children and I have never had to deal with loud or fussy children during Mass. They know how to obey me, even at the youngest age."
I read that and thought, her children must be all grown up by now, and she's forgetting what it was really like. Perhaps I'm naive, but I think most children around two or below find sitting still for an hour long Mass difficult.
So in a sense, I was just putting my feelers out to see if other parents had ever been in a similar situation. Obviously, you all have.
I was then very inspired by a blog entry from a friend of mine. In it, she was quoting Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I skimmed this book a while ago, but was really discouraged by it, because the ideals seemed so high to me at the time that I knew I was just bound to be a failure if I ever attempted to mother like that.
The passage, however, gave me a better perspective on what 'unconditional parenting' is.
The reason I posted that last entry wasn't so much to rant about Noah's 'bad behavior.' He is a boy, a very little boy, and it was obvious, as I hoped I conveyed, that he was having a hard time sitting still or just generally being himself because he was dreadfully exhausted. As soon as Patrick brought him home, he crashed. I think my little guy ought to be credited with the fact that he was simply having a hard day.
* * * * *
I reached out to all of you in part because I was so discouraged by a comment I found on a Catholic forum when Patrick and I were looking up advice on how to deal with this sort of situation. One woman was innocently writing in for help -- she had a two year old and a newborn, and her husband was off on a post with the army meaning he was not able to attend Mass with her and the children -- and was given what I thought to be a terribly unhelpful answer.
In effect, another mother said, "Children should be trained to be quiet at Mass. I have seven children and I have never had to deal with loud or fussy children during Mass. They know how to obey me, even at the youngest age."
I read that and thought, her children must be all grown up by now, and she's forgetting what it was really like. Perhaps I'm naive, but I think most children around two or below find sitting still for an hour long Mass difficult.
So in a sense, I was just putting my feelers out to see if other parents had ever been in a similar situation. Obviously, you all have.
I was then very inspired by a blog entry from a friend of mine. In it, she was quoting Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I skimmed this book a while ago, but was really discouraged by it, because the ideals seemed so high to me at the time that I knew I was just bound to be a failure if I ever attempted to mother like that.
The passage, however, gave me a better perspective on what 'unconditional parenting' is.
*Be reflective.
*Reconsider your requests.
*Remember long-term goals.
*Relationship first.
*Change who you are, not how you act.
*Respect (the child).
*Be authentic.
*Talk less, ask more.
*Keep age in mind.
*Attribute to child the best motives consistent with the facts.
*Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily.
*Don't be rigid.
*Don't be in a hurry.
I think what stands out to me right now is "remember long-term goals." If Patrick and I make Mass a place where Noah feels like he is being punished -- he must be silent, he must sit absolutely still, or else! -- it mightn't bode well for how he will go on to see the Church in later years.
Incidentally, one other commenter on this same forum said she used to keep her kids at the back of the church, but realized they enjoyed sitting closer to the front, and were more attentive that way. We tried this out, and were delighted to witness Noah getting very intrigued throughout Mass, pointing at what was happening, exclaiming, etc. We still take him to the back and walk around if he cries or shouts, obviously, but I think (and I hope my fellow parishioners agree) that a little joyful noise from a toddler at Mass is a lovely addition.
After only just over two years of mothering -- we're including pregnancy, too, naturally -- I am surprised how often I feel like my examination of conscience has so much to do with how patient was I today with Noah? Was I consistent with setting boundaries? Did I respect his need for attention as more important than my need to get things done?
I'm so humbled by the process of raising him.
I think what stands out to me right now is "remember long-term goals." If Patrick and I make Mass a place where Noah feels like he is being punished -- he must be silent, he must sit absolutely still, or else! -- it mightn't bode well for how he will go on to see the Church in later years.
Incidentally, one other commenter on this same forum said she used to keep her kids at the back of the church, but realized they enjoyed sitting closer to the front, and were more attentive that way. We tried this out, and were delighted to witness Noah getting very intrigued throughout Mass, pointing at what was happening, exclaiming, etc. We still take him to the back and walk around if he cries or shouts, obviously, but I think (and I hope my fellow parishioners agree) that a little joyful noise from a toddler at Mass is a lovely addition.
After only just over two years of mothering -- we're including pregnancy, too, naturally -- I am surprised how often I feel like my examination of conscience has so much to do with how patient was I today with Noah? Was I consistent with setting boundaries? Did I respect his need for attention as more important than my need to get things done?
I'm so humbled by the process of raising him.
I remember listening to a secular parenting "expert" on TV once, and he said his number one piece of advice for parents is "To always strive for better. Don't worry about perfect. You're not going to get there. But you can always get *better*." I really loved that advice. It allows me the freedom to have a bad moment, or a bad day, but just pick myself up, pray for mercy, and try to do *better*.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love that my husband's photography keeps popping up in your online life. :)
One of my favorite pieces of parenting advice came to me from a mother of seven, who said, essentially, "There are no formulas. There are no guarantees."
ReplyDeleteFolks out there who seem to have all the answers perhaps have extraordinarily obedient children, or perhaps their children are being subjected to a form of fear of punishment based parenting. I'm always leary of folks who tell me that they trained their children from a very young age to consistently obey. I'm not saying it isn't possible, but to hold yourself up a model...that's a little scary. You will find this (unfortunately) creeping into Catholic parenting advice...how sad!
You are so wise and Noah is so lucky to have parents who are able to wade through the idealism behind how our children should behave and look to his immediate needs. Ideals are good, and ultimately in a perfect world babies/toddlers would nap at the proper time, only request food on a specifically programmed schedule and be good as gold always. But the world isn't perfect and I'm so thankful for those moments when my little people remind me that appearances matter so much less than respecting my children needs and teaching them to obey in age-appropriate ways.
We sit up front at church, but there are lots of times when I have to duck out too. You do your best. It is totally normal! By the way, I still love my sling at Mass, even for my 20 month old. I tell you, that wiggle worm is often totally calmed just by being in there and bounced/swayed a little.
Love and hugs to you friend! (And hopefully I'll be sending your window stars soon. They are ready!)
Right on, Jenna. People can get their children to behave at mass, if they are not worried about any other side-effect, as you say. Sure, we can turn our kids into robots. And don't forget - and this is not a cop-out: all children are not the same. Some kids are just naturally better at mass than others. I think what you are doing sounds good. We still punish our kids when they are not good at mass - like Rebecca at 5. Stephen at 2 is a handfull, and we often take him to the back half-way through mass. I am told that in the 'old days' people used to keep their kids home till first communion, but that was a time of much greater Catholic cultural influence. I don't recommend it today. So, suffice to say, kids have always been 'a problem' at mass. As St. Augustine said in Confessions: "Man, kids are a problem at mass!"
ReplyDeleteI am constantly getting compliments on how well behaved my little girl is at Mass. My 4 month old! Sometimes with a sideways glance to a (in my opinion) well behaved toddler, as if the toddler should take a lesson from her.
ReplyDeleteIt's so silly! Of course my 4 month old is "well behaved", what could she possibly be? She doesn't know boredom, can nurse whenever she wants, and often sleeps through much of Mass.
The answer the woman gave on the forum is of no help to anyone. I read that and thought "Perhaps she is such an impatient person that the Lord chose to send her very obedient children." But sometimes I think that of myself, for a number of reasons.
I don't have a toddler, but I recall my mother having steadily increasing expectations of us at Mass. I recall being allowed to colour a picture during certain parts of Mass (homily I think!), and then being instructed to pay attention while my sister was allowed to play, because I was older. I believe we were supposed to pay attention to the whole Mass before our first communion.
So, yes, the "keep age in mind" makes a lot of sense to me. It sounds like you're doing an awesome job!