The Girl I Was
I somehow thought that being married, having a family, a house, a car and a university degree to boot would have changed me from The Girl I Was. You know, The Girl I Was in High School.
So I am surprised that I see her creeping up into my thinking patterns, into my ways of living out my vocation, on a fairly regular basis. The most startling way in which I am still The Girl I Was is in how I compare myself to every other woman.
In high school, I'd see The Other Girls and think how perfect their lives looked. I would then look at my own life and see the was the grades I was getting or not. The boys I was dating or not. The university scholarships I was being offered or not. The parties I was being invited to or not. The jeans I could afford or not. And I. would. feel. worthless.
So now I am a grownup woman, thankyouverymuch; I don't give a fig about the jeans. The boys (they're all probably married by now, too!). The grades. The scholarships. The parties.
High school, it turns out, was no preparation for real life at all.
But I still care about The Other Girls.
The group of Other Girls has just changed.
I am constantly comparing myself to every other wife and mother I know. I always seem to come out on the bottom, as it were, as I simply am not naturally gifted at any of the skills needed to raise a family. It's a daily struggle for me.
Tonight I came across such a beautiful blog post that inspired me to take action right away. So I grabbed a permanent marker, a piece of paper, and scrawled out the first things that came to mind that have been making me feel inadequate lately.
You might smile to see I included "packing a mean diaper bag."
Yes, at least once I've been reduced to lip-quivering shame
as I realized right before changing Noah's bum that I managed to forget diapers in the diaper bag.
Then I looked for a candle to light the list on fire. I can't say it isn't symbolic that the first candle I found was the Easter candle Patrick made for our little family this year.
Old photo -- from Post-Vigil Easter feasting itself.
Sitting down with my list, I said a prayer of surrender to the Holy Spirit, and watched the piece of paper burn. It was a liberating feeling, to be sure.
When all was said and done, all my fears and inadequacies were reduced to dust and ash and all that remained was the Light of Christ.
So I am surprised that I see her creeping up into my thinking patterns, into my ways of living out my vocation, on a fairly regular basis. The most startling way in which I am still The Girl I Was is in how I compare myself to every other woman.
In high school, I'd see The Other Girls and think how perfect their lives looked. I would then look at my own life and see the was the grades I was getting or not. The boys I was dating or not. The university scholarships I was being offered or not. The parties I was being invited to or not. The jeans I could afford or not. And I. would. feel. worthless.
So now I am a grownup woman, thankyouverymuch; I don't give a fig about the jeans. The boys (they're all probably married by now, too!). The grades. The scholarships. The parties.
High school, it turns out, was no preparation for real life at all.
But I still care about The Other Girls.The group of Other Girls has just changed.
I am constantly comparing myself to every other wife and mother I know. I always seem to come out on the bottom, as it were, as I simply am not naturally gifted at any of the skills needed to raise a family. It's a daily struggle for me.Tonight I came across such a beautiful blog post that inspired me to take action right away. So I grabbed a permanent marker, a piece of paper, and scrawled out the first things that came to mind that have been making me feel inadequate lately.
You might smile to see I included "packing a mean diaper bag."Yes, at least once I've been reduced to lip-quivering shame
as I realized right before changing Noah's bum that I managed to forget diapers in the diaper bag.
Then I looked for a candle to light the list on fire. I can't say it isn't symbolic that the first candle I found was the Easter candle Patrick made for our little family this year.
Old photo -- from Post-Vigil Easter feasting itself. Sitting down with my list, I said a prayer of surrender to the Holy Spirit, and watched the piece of paper burn. It was a liberating feeling, to be sure.
When all was said and done, all my fears and inadequacies were reduced to dust and ash and all that remained was the Light of Christ.
OH. MAN.
ReplyDeleteThanks, dearest sister. I needed to read this. And I'm pretty sure I need to make my own list and burn it. Soon.
I'm also pretty sure I need to make a list of things I'm convinced I AM really good at - and find a way to surrender THAT list as well. Maybe not burn it... I dunno. But it needs to be given back to the Giver as well, I think.
P.S. I think you're *definitely* good enough at: loving God, loving your family, caring for the immediate and demanding needs of a toddler, and the list goes on and on. You're beautiful, Love. :)
I think that you are completely lovely, Jenna. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty that is so hard to come by in this world where women feel the need to not only be perfect, but make everyone think that they are perfect. I feel so blessed to share in all that you write about, because I can relate to so much of it.
ReplyDeleteThe things we compare about may be different, but long after we have finished with high school, we still compare. I do it all. the. time. About a month ago, Ben and I went to a Baptism where I knew I would be seeing several girls that I went to high school with. All of whom are still single and now making big bucks. I debated for days about whether or not to go, how would I measure up having the life that most girls avoid at all costs into their 30's?? In the end, I went and they all said they couldn't believe that I looked the exact same. Although a random comment, i'll take it as a compliment because 2 babies later that's all I can really ask for!
You are a beautiful witness of motherhood to me, Jenna and I hope to get to know you better, I think there is so much that I could learn from you!
jenna that was a lovely post :) and such a good reminder of what's really important...you've got such a way with words, it always seems to get right to the heart of how I feel. I know I have a list just like yours...and I should definitely follow your example and burn it :) Every time you post I get more excited that soon I'll be home and get to see you (and all the other lovely Halifax mamas) more often :)
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